i love accidental penises.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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