I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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