PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
