apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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