so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
