I hate all girls vehemently.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize