so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
