I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
