So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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