I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
