i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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