yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
