you have to choose: penises or morals?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
