I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
