I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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