well I can't set my house on fire every night
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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