DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
