You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
i think my mom watched the whole time
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize