i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
