Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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