Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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