I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
