i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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