i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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