I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
