I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
