I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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