finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
