I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
