I'm jealous of your bromance
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
