I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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