my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
