yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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