I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
