You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im six kinds of drunk right now
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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