By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
