you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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