This dress was meant to end up on your floor
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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