So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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