I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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