Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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