No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
