Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
my phone needs a breathalizer
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I looked at my own cervix.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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