If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
