Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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