in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
