This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
