sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
