Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
