Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
