i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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