hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
