she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
