Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
