at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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