I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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