Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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