I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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