Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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