You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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