i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize