They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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