i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
