We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
