My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
