good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
