This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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